Dear Mr.President ,
I am sure you don’t know me. Never mind. I am from the country where your mentor’s mentor lived. Yes, India.
And yes, here is where we have this wily politician, the mass murderer Modi who does not deserve the visa to your country. Please continue with this policy of not granting him visa. I will tell you why in a short while.
I have often heard you speaking to your folks about the need to create more jobs in the USA and to ensure that more children go to colleges. I shall tell you how you can achieve that in a matter of one year or so. I will tell you how.
First things first.
Modi – This guy is not definitely worth the USA. First, he is not highly educated from the Stanfords and the Harvards of the world. He speaks passable Hindi – Hindi you know the language that the illiterates and the un-English speak in India – it is of no use to your economy anyways.
Second, he says all are equal. How obnoxious ? He says Muslims should not get special treatment. He further says that people should integrate and think as a nation. How dare he says so. He believes in equality, Sir. He says, for him it doesn’t matter if Hindus prosper or Muslims prosper as long as Gujarat prospers, he is fine. What a fanatic he is !
You know something ? When the USA was under severe recession ( however Ben Bernanke would want to call it – economic down turn, slow-down, technical recession , I am not an economist and don’t have the ability to confuse people ) and General Motors was supposed to be wound up, its plant in Gujarat was exporting cars and was paying for its American workers. So, better let Modi stay in India to ensure that GM-America runs even if Detroit goes bankrupt.
This guy Modi, you know, has brought in 24×7 power to all of Gujarat’s villages. And Asia’s largest solar plant also has started functioning. And of all things, his state Gujarat generates more power that India cannot consume and hence Pakistan wants to take it. C’mon, he wants to export power to Pakistan. What a moron he is !
You know what – he is obsessed with progress, growth, development – he even says “Development” when he wants to say ,”Get me a cup of coffee”. Anyways you don’t want a guy who says he just needs six chapattis for a day and be done with it.
So, you want to give a tough fight to Michelle when she stands for President, then take the risk and give Modi his visa now that you don’t have a third term. You know, this guy is often praised by Industrialists like your Republicans are propped by industrial houses.
This guy Modi is actually unbearable. He speaks and at the same time does. If Tata and Birla are driven out from, say West Bengal, they need to got to Gujarat right? Where else can they go? Bihar and UP are so developed that they cannot go there. So we need Modi to help Tata and Birla relocate to Gujarat. Who knows when Mamta would become angry ?
I keep my word. I come to employment for the Americans. How to create jobs for them ? How to make sure children go to schools ? How to ensure your IRS works ? Here comes the Indian expertise. I have a cream team that will make things work for you. They have made wonders in India. So they are your material.
They are :
1. Sonia Gandhi – Standing example of an illiterate who can work wonders. The Rural Employment Guarantee Scheme that she brought in has made all under clothed and under-fed Indians proud owners of INR 100 without doing any job. Before I forget, she is the Mother of the super intellectual about whom we shall see now.
2. Rahul Gandhi – Yes, the child prodigy who was educated in America in not sure what it is . Has the uncanny ability to lose each and every election. has great skill to irritate voters. Would be a worthy plant inside the Republican party. His mere presence will ensure that they are defeated. And what does he know ? Is that a question ? My God, he doesn’t know what he doesn’t know. And that is an understatement.
3. Digvijay Singh – Don’t ask me who he is. Stop kidding. He has an opinion on everything and is the walking encyclopedia who speaks often on behalf of No 1 and No 2. Plant him in the Congress ( this time the American Congress ) and no body else shall be able to stand up and oppose your policies. And he has already found out that the Boston bombers are from the Ukrainian shakha of the RSS.
4. Kapil Sibal – The erudite, scholarly minister-of-what I don’t know. But you can be sure of one thing. He will quickly find out that there is “Zero Loss” to the US exchequer because of recession. You can even expect findings from him that George Bush never existed and George Washington migrated from Saudi etc.
5. Chidambaram – Probable candidate to replace Ben Bernanke. You know this Harvard or Stanford scholar is so smooth talking that you begin to fall in love with his cheeks. Don’t ever try to listen to him. Else you would need psychiatric treatment. Oh yes, this guy should be made to make statements when markets are up. They will fall as soon as he closes his mouth. Don’t you know his track record ? In 2005 0ne dollar could buy just 37 Rupees. Now it can buy 60 Rupees. Never underestimate him.
6. Karunanidhi – You wanted better universities right? Here he is. You know what , he invented a language called Tamil. Has the great capacity to have multiple opinions on anything all at the same time. Would be helpful to you to explain away the Guantanamo fiasco. Oh yes, in case you want to confuse the people on a policy matter of yours, make him speak to the press. CNN and Fox would wind up the next day.
Take an example: Drone attacks in Pak. He would say ,”So what? Did not Reagan bomb Libya? If bomb by Republican is okay, then why not by a democrat? Is it because Reagan was a “Mount Road Mahavishnu? Why did Wright Brothers invent the plane at all ? That is why drones are here. Go and ask them”. Mr.President, did you get his skills ?
7. Maran Brothers – Here is the deal. You take all the above 1 to 6, and you get two brothers for free. Yes, these are the guys who will make the NASA fly their shuttles again. Funding ? No problem. They are coming over to the USA to fund the U.S. Treasury, Mr.President. Come closer, let me tell you something – once they are there, CNN, Fox, CNBC, Bloomberg TV and what ever channels you have got would somehow find themselves under the SUN TV group. The only channel left out would be the English Channel because it is nit a T.V.Channel. And yes, Continental, Delta and all sundry airlines would be under the umbrella group Spice Jet. Integration, you see.
8. Montek Singh Ahluvalia – You need people to find out how much an American needs to live ? Here is the guy. He will probably find that Americans can live under fifty cents a day. Sounds bizzare ? That is Montek for you. Take him in and Jay Leno would be looking for a job soon. Such a hilarious person has never existed on earth.
9. Man Mohan Singh – Yes. You need the best of actors for Hollywood right ? Here he is who has been acting as the Prime Minister of India for the last 9 years without uttering a word. Take him in. Hollywood wouldn’t regret.
10. No, don’t ask for Kanimozhi please. We need serious comedy in India. We can’t let go of her. Her uncanny ability to masquerade as a poetess while functioning as a business person striking deals with scamsters all the while indulging in scams and also being the mother of a ten year old boy – gosh. Such a talent you will never get. But you still insist on her ? Ok, I let her go with much reluctance.
Oh yes, there are others too – Barkha Dutt, Arnob Goswami, Rajdeep Sardesai and his wife. But they are going to Pakistan boss. I don’t see any other way of destroying Pakistan.
What do you mean Mani Shankar Iyer? He is the Citizen of Pakistan. Have you ever seen Mani speaking for India? If you want him, talk to Nawaz Sheriff.
No, no. We need Renuka Chaudhuri. With Sonia Gandhi going to America, we need another “empty inside the head” to head the Congress.
I admire you, Mr.President. You are intelligent. So you know that Modi, the minion, is not needed in the USA.
So, please take the other ten people even if they have not applied for a visa. Bill Gates and Warren Buffet would be in the streets soon.
Right Off Center