“Taliban to attack Tamil Nadu?”, You must be kidding.

Sudenly there is this talk of the Taliban taking over Pakistan and the problems that this is likely to pose to India. The Government of India (‘secular’ government at that) seeks to ‘express concern’ ( note : ‘expressing concern’ does not amount to condemnation, you see) at the peace pact between the Taliban and the Pak govt in not so harsh words, the reason being that an opposition to the ‘sharia’ law’s implementation in the ‘Swat’ valley would probably ‘alienate’ the minority community. Same holds good for the ‘elite’ news papers too.

While the threat from the Taliban is a reality, let us look at what that would translate to in terms of the threat perception for the different states in the cradle of India.

The governments of Maharashtra, Rajasthan, Delhi, West Bengal, Kerala and Jammu need not worry much. In any case either there is arson in these states or a government in place, one being the synonym of the other.

Let us look at the ‘Rationalist Republic of Tamil Nadu’ as this state with in the state of India needs special consideration, considering the current political discourse and governance in the state.

What would the Taliban want to be seen in Tamil Nadu that would proclaim to the external world that they have gained control over a state / country ? They would want lawlessness, nepotism, ugly display of power, brandishing of arms in public spaces, disrespect to democratic processes, opposition to natural justice, a general feeling of insecurity and hopelessness in the minds of the people and an utter disregard for the welfare of the citizens.

But, wait a minute. Are these attributes not part of the state of Tamil Nadu already ?

Was there not utter disregard shown to the law of the land when the so called custodians of law, the lawyers, themselves took sought to prevent justice and hold the High Court of the State for ransom, attacking litigants and the police ? More than disregard, what is seen is utter contempt for law that too from the people who are supposed to enable justice for the common man.

Was the issue that they were protesting for, in any way, concerned with the welfare of the fellow citizens of the land ? Was it in any way related to the upliftment of the millions of people who don’t even get one square meal a day ? The pity is the fight was for the euphemistic ‘ethnic’ brethren of a different country while, in actuality, the agitation was for the welfare of a murderous group that has been hell bent on massacring its own brethren.

Then there was this by-election for a constituency in the state. A state minister who also happened to be the son of the chief minister was caught on tape, handing over wads of currency to voters, on the eve of the elections. An union minister was seen handing over the wads of currency to the money-giver. And what followed that was a list of all possible reasons for the money giving ritual. Such rampant corruption espoused by the ruling group has not been seen anywhere.

The violence perpetrated on Sun TV and ‘Dinakaran’ news paper, killing of employees of the news paper by the other son of the chief minister and the hush-up operations after that and what not ! If at all there has been a state government in India that can be compared with the current one in TN, then that could have been the first government of Jayalalitha between 1991 and 1996.The current one has every attribute to surpass the former.

Coming back to Taliban. We know that the Taliban demolished the statue of the Bamiyan Buddha that was standing since the last millennium. That was their way of demonstrating that idolatry was an sub-optimal level of realizing ones’ divine consciousness. Did not the DMK government try and establish the statue of EVR in front of the Srtirangam temple as if EVR was the substitute of the guarding deity Iyyanar of the hindu pantheon ?

The Taliban attacked and continues to attack people who dare to speak ill of or attempt to commit what they call ‘blasphemy’. Similarly the DMK ministers along with the Mayor of Chennai attacked the BJP headquarters in Chennai, confining even lady members of the BJP inside the premises and pelted stones at them, causing considerable damage to the premises. Hence the moot question is: Do we need another Taliban ?

Then we have this unique case of the formation of human chains by students from schools and colleges unmindful of pouring rains ostensibly for the cause of the Sri Lankan Tamils. It is learnt that the students were forced to participate in this form of protest by the college authorities when the parents of the children had sent them to schools and colleges for education purposes.

On top of all that comes the much too frequent ‘Valedictory Functions’ to the Chief Minister and his kin. They are being felicitated for one thing or the other. If it is for talking in Tamil in the Lok Sabha on one day, it is for talking in English to the media on another day. It has become so customary for the people to expect some form of felicitation for the chief minister’s family daily and advertisements placed in leading news papers ( full page ones at that ) reminding the people of the felicitation function .

When it comes to ridiculing and making fun of the majority community as also meddling with the new year dates ( Tamil New Year has been “changed” from April 14 to January 14 ), indulging in laughable declarations even in the Assembly like asking the Central government to intervene in Sri Lanka or asking for re-writing the Constitution of India, indulging in wasteful expenditure like the distribution of colored television sets for free to the electorate, the current government appears to be more like the Taliban with its backward ideologies and thought processes that are not inclined towards taking the state forward.

Though it is a fact that the Taliban would feel more at home in the streets of Chennai than even in Afghanistan as the streets of both these places look alike with equal number of pot holes, I would very much doubt if they would really want to come to Chennai. That is because they would not want to be redundant in Chennai while their peers appear to be running the government in the state.

Yet another similarity that the Taliban would find between Afghanistan and Chennai in particular and TN in general is the general darkness everywhere due to the frequent power cuts. The state’s electricity minister should be handed over the Nobel Prize for Electrical Engineering for his innovative invention of the state’s electrical power cables that don’t create a short circuit even if you touch them !

Due to the above reasons, I don’t think that the Taliban would attack their own ilk.
Hence I congratulate the current government in Tamil Nadu for fending off the attack from the Taliban.

Sample Question Paper – M.A. in Karunanidhi Thoughts

Yes. The grand icon has been elevated to the level of M.K.Gandhi. The University of Madras ( should it be Mad-Rascals ?) has hit upon the most novel idea of starting an M.A. Course in Karunanidhi Studies something in the lines of the Gandhian Philosphy and Thought notwithstanding the fact that the only difference between these two people is that the latter had some principles and the former hasn’t had any.

Well, you might call it the height of sycophancy. Others might call it the evolution of rationalism. I prefer to call it a practical longevity measure for the current vice-chancellor for the University of Madras.

In line with my attempt to help the future students of the course to pass the exams ( if any are conducted at all ), I have made a feeble attempt to prepare a model question paper and some answers. It is intended for people who are not from the ‘Rationalist University of Erode’ and therefore I have decided to prepare this sample in the lines of the ‘Konar Tamil Urai’ or ‘Konar Notes’ for the un-initiated. These non-rationalist lot needs to pass you see. People wishing to score high marks need not read this. They could indeed concentrate on ‘Murasoli’ – the mouth organ of the DMK.

Note : Hereinafter the grand rationalist pantheon shall be referred to as M.K. ( Gandhiji, pls forgive me )

1. Why should MK be given multiple awards daily ?

Ans : Awards are meant to be given to somebody. The only person available on earth who does not have anything to do but receive awards is MK. Hence MK should receive awards daily.

2. Who should present an award to MK ?

Ans: Anybody with enough money to lavish on ornamental decorations and some cash bags ( ‘por-kizhi’ for the tamils ) and are expecting some contracts from the state govt can give this award.

3. What are the pre-requisites for an award function for MK ?

Ans: Stalin, Kanimozhi, Alagiri, Dayanidhi and the multitudes of spouses of MK would need to be present on the dais. Poet Vaali and Vairamuthu should speak for 30 mins each on why the award should be given to MK. Veeramani should shout from the dais that the ‘Brahmanical hegemony’ would be torn down by this award. Then the award can be presented.

4. What has been the policy of MK on Sri Lanka ?

A. Srilankans are our brothers and hence we need to fight them.

B. Srilankans belong to a separate nation and the can take care of their problems themselves.

C. The Tigers are the same as the SL Tamils.

D. The Tigers are different from SL Tamils.

E. All of the above.

5. Which of the following describes MK’s action plan on freeing SL tamils?

A. Creating Human-Chains consisting of school children under heavy downpour

B. Writing letters to the Prime Minister urging action

C. Writing more letters to the PM and the ‘real’ PM ( read Sonia )

D. Passing Assembly resolutions

E. Taking rest in the beach ( called ‘fast unto death’ ) for 2 hours surrounded by a/c machines

F. All of the above.

6. What best describes ‘secularism’ according to MK ?

A. Ridiculing ‘Hinduism’ in every Ramzaan function

B. Writing poetry ( if you can call that so) deriding hindu gods in the party organ Murasoli

C. Extending ‘Ramzaan’ and Christmas wishes but not Deepavali wishes

D. Fielding only Muslim candidates and Christian candidates from constituencies where the two

communities are in sizeable numbers.

E. All of the above.

7. What is “State Autonomy” ( Maanila Suyaatchi ) ?

A. The token speech given everytime the DMKs terms are not accepted by the Congress party.

B. The term that occurs frequently when the DMK is in opposition and vanishes into thin air once

they form the government.

C. The term often quoted when ever Annadurai needs to be remembered

D. All of the above

8. According to MK, what best describes ‘paguththarivu’ ( ‘ rationalism’ for the un-initiated)

A. Visiting the memorials of Annadurai and EVR prior to embarking on any campaign

B. Wearing an yellow coloured shawl everytime in public meetings

C. Swearing at opposition colleagues in marriage functions of party cadre

D. Erecting multi metre high cut-outs for self and family all through the state

E. All of the above.

9. What does ‘fast unto death’ mean in ‘MK parlance ?
A. A two hour official siesta ( after a heavy breakfast) in the Marina beach, surrounded by a/c machines and relatives and friends with everybody controlling their laughter by trying to speak into their mobile phones.
B. A and some phone calls from the PM and Sonia Gandhi
C. B and some ‘self-torching-ceremonies’ enacted in the state.
D. All of the above.

10. What does MK do while not working for the people of TN ?

A. Write screen-play for un-watchable movies such as ‘Uliyin Oosai’

B. Repeat A.

C. All of the above.

11. What does MK do while ‘working‘ for the people of TN ?

A. Same as Question No 10.

Note : Though the course has been described as an ‘M.A’, once you en-roll, there are chances that you could be conferred with a Ph.D ( ‘Doctorate’ as it is called in TN ) as there is an abundance of doctorates vested with the Universities that any passerby is being pulled into an University and conferred the ‘Doctorate’, the latest ones being Stalin and Sonia.


Water in the moon, what next ?

Well, water has been found on the moon, thanks to Chandrayaan and the M3 equipment from NASA. As usual, the moot question follows : Can we take that for ourselves ? When we are not able to share water between two states within a sovereign nation and therefore resort to bus-burning, statue erecting and other gimmicks to keep ourselves busy to “find” solutions to water problems, how are we going to utilize water in the moon ?

When we may not be able to take the water from moon to earth in the near future, it would be a wise idea to demarcate our “territories” in the lunar surface on a priority basis so that there is no LOC / LAC kind of altercation at a later point in time when different nations vie with earch other for terrirories in the moon.

Probably Pakistan ( with the help of China, obviously ) would want to create a ‘moonistan’ in the lunar landscape citing reasons of the relation between the different phases of the moon and the advent of ‘ramzan’ and also citing the presence of the moon in its national flag. There could be supporters too for this, in India, in keeping in line with our ‘secular’ tradition of accepting anything ‘pro-minority’ as holy and thus sacrosanct.

Next in line would be the exploration in the moon for the presence of oil so that the arabic nations can claim that since oil has been gifted to them by the Almighty in earth, the same principle would need to be adopted in the moon and thus all oil wells would need to belong to them. Probably a verse or two from some holy book could be cited as ‘evidence’ as well.

What can you expect the UPA govt to do next ? Start a new scheme ‘Rajiv Gandhi Lunar Yojana” and hand that over to some lunatics from the HRD ministry and the History Re-writing Committee and ask them to compose verses in praise of Rajiv / Indira / Rahul / Priyanka and find out some hidden meanings into their erstwhile statements and the moon and thus proclaim to the world that those ‘prodigies’ had indeed predicted the presence of water in the moon. There are very many ways to indulge in hypocrisy and one such would be what is stated above.

When the Congress behaves thus, can Mayawati be left behind ? There would be another “Ambedkar Park ” establishment project in the moon so that the ‘dalits’ would be emancipated on earth. Forget whether they have water to drink on earth. What is more important is the grant statuization initiative in the moon . If the courts scoff at that, then proclaim to the world that the courts are anti-dalits and go to elections.

While these parties become busy exploiting the moon, then shall come the ‘party with a difference’ that has currently become ‘the party without reverence’. It would be correct to say that this party can be called ‘ the differentially enabled party’ as well. Yes, it is the BJP that is spoken about here, if you remember that such a party existed on the face of India once upon a time when Atalji reigned. Coming back to the moon – the BJP’s next election manifesto ( if the party remains intact till then ) would proclaim that since the moon existed in the mythology of India and as Chandrayaan has found out water in the moon, there needs to be a separate temple for ‘Chandran’ in Chandrapur in Maharashtra with “Chandrayaan” as a ‘vahanam’ installed in front of the presiding deity. Needless to say that a section of ‘secular’ parties, with support from similarly inclined media, would come up with a theory as rancid as the ‘Aryan Invasion Theory’ that in the proposed site for building the temple, there once existed a mosque / church / Jain Vihaar ( depending upon the vote bank that they seek to entice ) and would start an agitation on the lines of ‘Chandrapur Masjid Action Committee’ or as the case may be.

In the sidelines would be the ‘Left’ who have recently been left out of the political mainstream ( read blackmailing position ) in the elections. The Karat family, having been left out of media space for quite some time as also the Yechury warrior along with the T.Pandian-D.Raja comedy duo, would want to stage demonstrations wherever they find space. But you should not ask as to what they are demonstrating for or against as you could be termed anti-burgeoise anti-prelitariate if you do so.

While all these happen at the national scene, the Dravidian Rationalists from the Rationalist Republic of Tamil Nadu would have comeup with a novel plan. They would have spoken to both the Congress and the BJP and promised support for either of their schemes on the following conditions :

1. In the proposed temple, Annadurai and EVR should be the ‘Dwarapalakas’
2. Kanimozhi would need to be personified as Andaal
3. Stalin and Azhagiri would need to be engraved as Hanumaan and Garuda
4. Dhayanidhi would need to be the archaka ( priest )
5. T.R. Baalu would need to get the contract to build the temple
6. ‘Murasoli’ would need to be the official mouthpiece of the project
7. ‘Chandrayaan Award’ would need to be conferred on Kalaignar Karunanidhi

And Jayalalitha would continue to confabulate with Sasikala in the pristine environs of Kodanadu in the Nilgris as if there is nothing worthwhile happening in the country. You should believe that she is resting after the elections in the state.

And thus the Indian Political Tamasha would continue.

Cattle, Insect and other classes and the eternal food chain

Let me declare this at the outset. I belong to the cattle class not only during travel by any mode but even by birth, treatment by the authorities, amenities provided by the institutions and what not.

My realization that I belong to the ‘cattle class’ not only means that I understand what cattle class is all about but also that I have increasingly begun to realize that I belong to another more prevalent class, the Insect Class as well.

Henceforth let me call this Cattle Class as CC and Insect Class as IC.

How many times have I been herded like cattle in the suburban trains ? Let me not talk about the way I am treated during elections – either have I been treated as belonging to the euphemistic ‘minority cattle class’ and herded as cattle with visual largesse being showered on me or have I been treated as belonging to the ‘majority cattle class’ and treated as untouchable. Even inside this “MCC” classification, I have been subdivided further into “FCC” ( Forward CC) or “BCC” ( Backward CC ). If I am an FCC, I am an untouchable and hence would need to be despised, looked upon with hatred as though the entire world’s problems emanated from me. If I am a BCC, then I am the one group that needs to be showered all the attention until the elections get over. In the latter case, I have had the feeling of being made ready for the sacrifice at the altar of Indian elections.

And what are the other CCs that wander in this grand nation ?

First comes the Chameleon Class (Ch-C). Yes, you guessed it right. This is the Ch-C that takes part in elections, seeks to ‘serve’ the people and after the elections, actually ‘severe’ the people of their basic needs. This class never differentiates any other class as long as the other class provides it with regular ‘income’. This group takes care of its own siblings, fights for their share of the ‘prey’ even if it means to travel by airplane in a wheel chair right from a hospital and come back to the same hospital in the same wheel chair after the ‘prey-sharing’ is completed. This group talks about democracy every time so much so that the other common classes have begun to forget what ‘democracy’ really meant.

Then comes the ‘Rowdy Class’RC in short. Let the real ‘rowdies’ of the world forgive the author for he means no verbal harm to them. The RC comes next to the Chameleon Class. It works for the Ch-C — to serve the Ch-C’s interests as well as its own interests. In case of any clash of ideas, the Ch-C would move ( read : transfer) the RC to un-watered-locations ( “Thanni Illa Kaadu”- for the un-initiated ). Hence the RC ensures that it stays in the Right Side of the Ch-C even if it means to break all rules with impunity. By now you should have understood what RC means – the educated Ch-Cs. Yes the Ch-Cs are not educated and the RCs are educated and the latter works for the former. The RCs are, in common parlance, known as ‘bureaucrats’.

Then comes the Insect Class. This IC gets beaten up every time there is some incident that happens in the nation / state / town / village / street. This IC comprises of all those beings which work for their daily living. This IC can be identified by a group of people that run from pillar to post just to accomplish a single task be it getting a Ration Card or getting its Election Commission Card or for that matter anything that needs to be done with the RC. This class pays its income taxes on time, tries to follow traffic rules to the extent possible, wants to get its children educated in a decent school and get a better livelihood. Its ultimate target is to get hold of a piece of land in the distant outskirts of the city and build a house ( a 2 or 3 room tenement ) where it could spend its final years in relative peace. But to accomplish that it has to be subjected to all kinds of assaults by the RCs and hence by the Ch-Cs all through its prime lifetime from 01 to 58 years of age.

Then comes the PC, the Parasite Class. Yes, you guessed it right – the one species that wears a white overcoat and a stethoscope and hides its RC attributes. The PC normally is headed by a Head PC in the roles of a Dean. The H-PC normally has a medical background and by its association with the RCs and Ch-Cs, gets hold of large tracts of land in prime areas in the guise of ‘service to humanity’ – euphemism for ‘blood sucking’. Then it goes ahead and establishes many institutions where juvenile PCs are trained to become master PCs. The credibility of the PC is represented in the ostentation of the PC institution. The more the front office opulence, the better the PC’s blood sucking capabilities. Any juvenile PC that has the ability to satiate the H-PCs thirst for money shall be granted admission in the PC training institutes. So, the moot question is : How does a juvenile PC become a declared PC ? – when the J-PC develops the capability to extract large amounts of flesh from skeletons, then you know that the master PC has arrived on the scene.

Note : PC can also be called as ‘VC‘- Vampire Class. Both are conjoined twins just separated at birth. If this reminds of Vice-Chancellors, then I am not to be blamed. Probably they are Chancellors who are embodiments of the different vices.

The ICs exist so that the RCs and PCs exist and flourish. The RCs and PCs exist so that the Ch-Cs exist and flourish.

And this eternal food chain continues !

"Austerity" and the grand revelation

The more the discussion in the initialization part of anyproject, greater are the chances of the project getting scrapped altogether. Likewise, the more the focus and brouhaha on ‘austerity’, the lesser are the chances of the same getting implemented. Otherwise, there would be a grand emergence of the ‘cattle class’ in all modes of transport ( let the cattle forgive me for equating them to humans ).

While we would want to call the recent expenditure pertaining to the aerial tourism of Rahul Gandhi amounting to Rs One Crore an ‘austerity measure’, we would also need to call the ‘statueization initattive’ of Mayawati as an extreme measure in austerity. But you cannot discount the enormous ‘job opportunities’ that this Mayawati escapede has resulted in; probably more than even the NREGA initiatives of the Ulta Pulta Alliance govt.

It is a matter of great mirth that this’ austerity’ is being touted as a virtue as if that need not have been followed so far by anybody and that the Congress peole have invented the same as a remedy for the economic downturn. ‘Austerity’ has always been the halmark of Indian ethos and civilizational values. Never has flamboyance and extravaganza been applauded in the Indian scenario right from earlier days of Chanakya to the days of Mahatma Gandhi. Erstwhile leaders like Kamaraj and Kakkan had used public transport even wneh they held office as the Chief Executives of the state of TN. In fact, when Kamaraj died, his entire bank balance amounted to Rs 32 ( Rupees Thirty Two only ). I don’t want to guess what would be the financial worth of the current chief minister and his other ministers as that would be beyond my capacity as I wouldn’t know how many ‘zeros’ to add after 32.

The timing of this ‘austerity’ is really suspicious. Let us look at some of the incidents that took place simultaneously when this ‘austerity’ dawned on the high and the mighty of this land.

  • Rahul Gandhi paid an ‘economical’ visit to TN by spending just Rs One Crore.
  • P.Chidambaram returned from the US after a ‘damp-squib’ trip – after complaining “Mummy Mummy, Pakistan is pinching me daily”
  • China made few incursions into Arunachal, Ladakh and elsewhere after these soldiers painted some rocks in the Indian side ‘red’ and engraved ‘Yellow River’ ( a reference to China ) in Cantonese.
  • Krishna and Sashi Tharoor stayed in a 5 star hotel
  • Karananidhi was ‘wheel-chair ridden’, as usual, attending various valedictory functions and receiving awards in the name of Anna Durai, EVR and Ambedkar.
  • Stalin paid a vist to London for ‘routine’ medical check-up
  • Prices of essential commodities continued their upward spiral more in line with the trajectory of the PSLV rockets of recent times
  • Elections in Maharashtra were scheduled and farmer suicides continued without any respite.
  • Monsoon failed and therefore drought conditions prevailed all over.
  • Pakistan affirmed for the nth time that India had not provided ‘evidence’ of 26/11 attacks.
  • Azhagiri contined to hide from questions in the Parliament.
  • Jayalalitha tried to recover from election work related fatigue by continuing to stay in the palatial guest house in the Nilgris ( elections have been over for for than 4 months)
  • Full page advertisements that proclaimed the supposed ‘achievements’ of the current government continued in news papers. Full page ads cost a bomb, anyways. But the government is practising ‘austerity’ – you should believe this .

    Unable to draw any conclusion from the above, I tried to look the other way and landed up on the volumes of ‘literature’ available in the news papers about the contours and otherwise of the female actors from Bollywood and Kollywood.

    Then it dawned on me – austerity is being practised by B’wood and K’wood in terms of the dress and attire of female actors. Hence I have come to the conclusion that the film industry is the only one that sincerely follows what M.K.Gandhi preached and practised – austerity !

    What a heavenly revelation !!

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