Ferguson, what ?

Furguson might be far away. But the ‘why’ and ‘how’ of the place are present all over the world. Not one country is bereft of the two question beginners. If that can happen in a developed country and still be under-reported, there is every reason that the same can happen regularly in the developing world and is not reported at all. That is the reality. Reality is not always pleasant.

The  African American who was killed – was he guilty of something, was he an offender, did the police officer do justice ? These questions would be answered variously depending on the side of the racial and political divide you are located in. The truth of the matter might not even come out. We are still waiting to know who killed JFK and why, after 50 years. From drug lords to cold war Russia to Prez. Johnson – we have been given various whys and hows. 

The same would happen in this Ferguson case as well.

Prez Obama famously declared to shut down Guantanamo bay. His second term presidency is shutting down in a couple of years. Not an inch has progressed in the prison closure case. In Iran’s case, excepting Ahmedinejad, nothing else has changed. Iraq situation seems to invite the US back into its quagmire. Afghanistan conundrum is not fully over yet. Similarly Ferguson would be forgotten in the next political battle between the President and the Congress.

Whether it is Ferguson or Guantanamo or Economic Crisis, nothing matters. An emotional and well body-languaged speech by President Obama would wash over any dirty scar on the American political discourse. James Foley et al would disappear into the collective American amnesia when Apple introduces the next iPhone.

So wait for the next speech and prepare for the holiday season. Life goes on. Economic prosperity is just an invasion away.

Seriously stupid and other tales

The art of bluffing doesn’t seem to end. And bluffers don’t seem to stop as well. You guessed it right. This time it is about India’s elites.

There is a certain class of people who have mastered and perfected the art of bluffing. No, don’t single out Rahul Gandhi alone. He might be an expert in that but he is not the only one. Yes, I agree that he has immense capacity to bluff than all people put together. However that does not stop us from exploring the other bluff masters.

Wait a minute. Are you asking me if I would not be talking about Rahul at all ? How is that even remotely possible? How come one ignore the .. what do they say? err.. most stupid ? Ok. So be it. Let us look at the different bluffs, the bluffers and the lot and then look at the greatest of them all.

This week Huffington Post estimated that the wealth of Sonia was around USD 2 bn. Holy Cow ! How dare ? In a country of 1.2 bn, even if each one’s contribution to her wealth is say $2, her wealth would be $2.4 bn. And how come Huffington post bluff about her worth being a meager $2 bn ?  I had guessed that right. As expected the Congress called that estimate ‘ridiculous’ and soon Huffington Post withdrew the article saying there had been an error in its reporting. $ 2bn asset for a person such as Sonia Ji ? Ridiculous. Underestimation cannot be forgiven.

Then there was this election in the state of Madhya Pradesh or Jharkhand – one of those states where the Congress wants to come to power at any cost. And therefore went to court and filed a case to hide the ponds and lakes in the state that had lotus flowers in them. Hide – you didn’t get it ? Cover, encapsulate, don’t make visible etc. And that was because ‘Lotus’ was the election symbol of the main opposition party – the BJP. If you thought it was stupidity, then please take a break. Just imagine what could have happened if the BJP had sought ‘the sky’ as its election symbol? Or for that matter if the southern Indian party AIADMK had contested ? Its election symbol is ‘Two Leaves’ and probably the entire state’s trees should have been ‘ covered ‘ using cloth sheets. Consider this stupid ?

Wait a minute. More to come. Consider this.

Then there was this undertaking that I had to give declaring that I would pay heed to all anti-bribery laws, not indulge in sharing private information, strive hard to protect personal information of my customers etc. And it is a yearly routine. Soon after I passed those tests attesting my allegiance to these laws, I heard the mighty Obama explaining to his people that the phone snooping task that the American intelligence agencies had indulged in was an act in national interest and that some safeguards would be put in place. The irony was that I had just then written the exams that had many clauses that threatened me to disclose to the authorities details of American citizens who were holding bank accounts but had not declared them to their revenue departments. What do I call this ? A cruel joke or an exercise in satire ?  Or simply call it seriously stupid ?

No. The most serious bluff and the bluffer are yet to come. Hold on until the elections get hotter in India.

New President for America


The largest number of noble prize winners in Economics are from the US.

Largest number of billionaires in the world are in the US.

The most respected intellectuals in the world are in the US.

The best schools to teach economics are in the US.

Some of the brightest minds are in the US.

The country whose economic model , touted as that needed to be followed by lesser mortals of the third world, is the US.

And the most innovative products that the world has even seen have been made in the US.

And the epitome of human rights is the US team.

And therefore they all joined together and shut the government down.

But it doesn’t need these many people and technology to do this.

Lalu would have done this in no time with no technology. See what he did to Bihar.

So take Lalu. Give him visa. He is your savior.

You don’t need the erudite Obamas and Bernankes and Nancy Pelosys of the world

Shutting down, yes papa ..

“What do you mean the US govt is shutting down ?”, eight year old Bharat asked me when I was glued to CNN.

He had earlier in the day visited the Nasa Kids website , his usual routine to play space games, and had apparently been greeted by the shut down message.

“Shutting down means shutting down. Power off”, I blurted, still looking at Anderson Cooper.

“But power off is not shutting down, right?”, pestered Bharat.

Losing patience, I said, “What ever. But the government is shut down. You better look at your Oggy and the Cockroaches”.

“But Appa, how can somebody shut down a country? It does not have a key board, right?”, he kept on.

“Bharat, better look at the lego video and leave me in peace. I have to watch CNBC to look at the stocks”, I said.

“Okay, but one final question. Actually two final questions”, he pleaded to which I agreed.

“Appa, why should the government be shut down ?”, he asked.

“Because they don’t have money. And so they shut down”.

“You mean, they didn’t have money ? And Obama said close the doors?”, he continued.

“Something like that. But you have exceeded your questions”.

“That is okay Appa. But why shut down ? Why not, say, take money from ATM?”

“Well, ATM is fine. But no money in the government’s account”. I thought I had escaped.

“No Appa, If they need money, they could have sold the space stations to other countries, right?”, he asked. Sensible question though. But I didn’t have an answer.

“I still have a doubt”, he said. I was thinking of escape routes but found none.

“Appa, when you have to shut down, but don’t want to shut down, you can put it in ‘Sleep’ right ? That is what we do to the computer”, he said.

“Good idea, but it probably didn’t occur to Obama uncle”, I stammered.

“Or they could have logged off”, he said. I had five minutes of peace after which he came up again.

“Appa, how about switch user? Why did not Obama do that?”,he asked.

“Bharat, that ‘switch-user’ is not for Obama to make. It is for the people to do. They do it once every four years. It is called elections”, I triumphantly declared and was rather pleased at my answer.

“But Appa, do we have ‘switch user’ in India?”, he said.

I give up. Let me know if you know whom to switch to in India.

No visa to Modi please, Mr.Obama

Dear Mr.President ,

I am sure you don’t know me. Never mind. I am from the country where your mentor’s mentor lived. Yes, India.

And yes, here is where we have this wily politician, the mass murderer Modi who does not deserve the visa to your country. Please continue with this policy of not granting him visa. I will tell you why in a short while.

I have often heard you speaking to your folks about the need to create more jobs in the USA and to ensure that more children go to colleges. I shall tell you how you can achieve that in a matter of one year or so. I will tell you how.

First things first.

Modi – This guy is not definitely worth the USA. First, he is not highly educated from the Stanfords and the Harvards of the world. He speaks passable Hindi – Hindi you know the language that the illiterates and the un-English speak in India – it is of no use to your economy anyways.

Second, he says all are equal. How obnoxious ? He says Muslims should not get special treatment. He further says that people should integrate and think as a nation. How dare he says so. He believes in equality, Sir. He says, for him it doesn’t matter if Hindus prosper or Muslims prosper as long as Gujarat prospers, he is fine. What a fanatic he is !

You know something ? When the USA was under severe recession ( however Ben Bernanke would want to call it – economic down turn, slow-down, technical recession , I am not an economist and don’t have the ability to confuse people ) and General Motors was supposed to be wound up, its plant in Gujarat was exporting cars and was paying for its American workers. So, better let Modi stay in India to ensure that GM-America runs even if Detroit goes bankrupt.

This guy Modi, you know, has brought in 24×7 power to all of Gujarat’s villages. And Asia’s largest solar plant also has started functioning. And of all things, his state Gujarat generates more power that India cannot consume and hence Pakistan wants to take it. C’mon, he wants to export power to Pakistan. What a moron he is !

You know what – he is obsessed with progress, growth, development – he even says “Development” when he wants to say ,”Get me a cup of coffee”. Anyways you don’t want a guy who says he just needs six chapattis for a day and be done with it.

So, you want to give a tough fight to Michelle when she stands for President, then take the risk and give Modi his visa now that you don’t have a third term. You know, this guy is often praised by Industrialists like your Republicans are propped by industrial houses.

This guy Modi is actually unbearable. He speaks and at the same time does. If Tata and Birla are driven out from, say West Bengal, they need to got to Gujarat right? Where else can they go? Bihar and UP are so developed that they cannot go there. So we need Modi to help Tata and Birla relocate to Gujarat. Who knows when Mamta would become angry ?

I keep my word. I come to employment for the Americans. How to create jobs for them ? How to make sure children go to schools ? How to ensure your IRS works ? Here comes the Indian expertise. I have a cream team that will make things work for you. They have made wonders in India. So they are your material.

They are :

1. Sonia Gandhi – Standing example of an illiterate who can work wonders. The Rural Employment Guarantee Scheme that she brought in has made all under clothed and under-fed Indians proud owners of INR 100 without doing any job. Before I forget, she is the Mother of the super intellectual about whom we shall see now.

2. Rahul Gandhi – Yes, the child prodigy who was educated in America in not sure what it is . Has the uncanny ability to lose each and every election. has great skill to irritate voters. Would be a worthy plant inside the Republican party. His mere presence will ensure that they are defeated. And what does he know ? Is that a question ? My God, he doesn’t know what he doesn’t know. And that is an understatement.

3. Digvijay Singh – Don’t ask me who he is. Stop kidding. He has an opinion on everything and is the walking encyclopedia who speaks often on behalf of No 1 and No 2. Plant him in the Congress ( this time the American Congress ) and no body else shall be able to stand up and oppose your policies. And he has already found out that the Boston bombers are from the Ukrainian shakha of the RSS.

4. Kapil Sibal – The erudite, scholarly minister-of-what I don’t know. But you can be sure of one thing. He will quickly find out that there is “Zero Loss” to the US exchequer because of recession. You can even expect findings from him that George Bush never existed and George Washington migrated from Saudi etc.

5. Chidambaram – Probable candidate to replace Ben Bernanke. You know this Harvard or Stanford scholar is so smooth talking that you begin to fall in love with his cheeks. Don’t ever try to listen to him. Else you would need psychiatric treatment. Oh yes, this guy should be made to make statements when markets are up. They will fall as soon as he closes his mouth. Don’t you know his track record ? In 2005 0ne dollar could buy just 37 Rupees. Now it can buy 60 Rupees. Never underestimate him.

6. Karunanidhi – You wanted better universities right? Here he is. You know what , he invented a language called Tamil. Has the great capacity to have multiple opinions on anything all at the same time. Would be helpful to you to explain away the Guantanamo fiasco. Oh yes, in case you want to confuse the people on a policy matter of yours, make him speak to the press. CNN and Fox would wind up the next day.

Take an example: Drone attacks in Pak. He would say ,”So what? Did not Reagan bomb Libya? If bomb by Republican is okay, then why not by a democrat? Is it because Reagan was a “Mount Road Mahavishnu? Why did Wright Brothers invent the plane at all ? That is why drones are here. Go and ask them”. Mr.President, did you get his skills ?

7. Maran Brothers – Here is the deal. You take all the above 1 to 6, and you get two brothers for free. Yes, these are the guys who will make the NASA fly their shuttles again. Funding ? No problem. They are coming over to the USA to fund the U.S. Treasury, Mr.President. Come closer, let me tell you something – once they are there, CNN, Fox, CNBC, Bloomberg TV and what ever channels you have got would somehow find themselves under the SUN TV group. The only channel left out would be the English Channel because it is nit a T.V.Channel. And yes, Continental, Delta and all sundry airlines would be under the umbrella group Spice Jet. Integration, you see.

8. Montek Singh Ahluvalia – You need people to find out how much an American needs to live ? Here is the guy. He will probably find that Americans can live under fifty cents a day. Sounds bizzare ? That is Montek for you. Take him in and Jay Leno would be looking for a job soon. Such a hilarious person has never existed on earth.

9. Man Mohan Singh – Yes. You need the best of actors for Hollywood right ? Here he is who has been acting as the Prime Minister of India for the last 9 years without uttering a word. Take him in. Hollywood wouldn’t regret.

10. No, don’t ask for Kanimozhi please. We need serious comedy in India. We can’t let go of her. Her uncanny ability to masquerade as a poetess while functioning as a business person striking deals with scamsters all the while indulging in scams and also being the mother of a ten year old boy – gosh. Such a talent you will never get. But you still insist on her ? Ok, I let her go with much reluctance.

Oh yes, there are others too – Barkha Dutt, Arnob Goswami, Rajdeep Sardesai and his wife. But they are going to Pakistan boss. I don’t see any other way of destroying Pakistan.

What do you mean Mani Shankar Iyer? He is the Citizen of Pakistan. Have you ever seen Mani speaking for India? If you want him, talk to Nawaz Sheriff.

No, no. We need Renuka Chaudhuri. With Sonia Gandhi going to America, we need another “empty inside the head” to head the Congress.

I admire you, Mr.President. You are intelligent. So you know that Modi, the minion, is not needed in the USA.

So, please take the other ten people even if they have not applied for a visa. Bill Gates and Warren Buffet would be in the streets soon.


Right Off Center

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