Staying stupid..

One can become stupid  by being born stupid or one can acquire stupidity by joining the Congress party of India.

The other way is to  listen to this speech of Rahul. And you will turn stupid instantly.

Thus spake the Budhoo Bhagawan and saviour of the masses : ( Italicised writings are my comments )

1.I am a soldier of the Congress. Will do whatever the party wants me to do. (But) Congress constitution says MPs choose the prime minister after elections.

Kindergarten children know that the process of choosing the Prime Minister is written in the electoral laws of the country and   they are in the constitution of the nation. Budhoo, this is not Congress constitution. Think you have constipation.

2.We are warriors, and we will go into battle with our heads held high, knowing what we stand for. I will do anything you want me to, I am a loyal soldier.

Oh ‘do anything ?’. Okay, migrate to South Sudan. They need ‘talents’ there.

3.The Opposition has good marketing skills. There is “chamak, naach, gaana (glitter, dancing, singing)”. They are selling combs to bald men. Now there are a new group of people who are trying to give them haircuts.

From talking about economics, you have come to talk about giving hair cuts. Great way to progress. Learn that skill, Budhoo. Would be useful after elections are over.

4. Laws are being made now by the media, by judges, in the streets – we need to involve you, the elected representatives, once again in law-making. This is your domain.

Yes, let them make laws. You go to giving hair cuts. Kejriwal will accompany you with a broom. you two would make a great pair.

5. Opposition says India should be Congress-free. But Congress is not an organization. It’s a philosophy that stands for the rights and dignity of every individual in this country.

Read what is written in your script properly. Philosophy does not stand for anything. People stand by philosophies. Budhoo, accompany Priyanka’s daughter to school.

6. Democracy is not rule by one man. We don’t hand over the structure of a party to one man.

Correct. It is not by one man. It is like ‘Alibaba and his 40 thieves’. You are correct, finally.

7. We do not respond by subverting democratic institutions, blocking Parliament sessions year after year, day after day.

Very true Budhoo. That is why you appointed men of great integrity for the post of CVC and a woman of the greatest intellect for the post of the President of the nation. I trust you.

8. I want to see 50% women at AICC sessions, in Parliament and among chief ministers of state governments.

Arre Budhoo, first gather 50 people for your sessions. People rush out of meetings when they come to know that you are going to speak.

9. This is not about yet another election; it is a turning point in our nation’s history. The change that is taking place before us is unstoppable.

Correct. Before the change becomes obvious, buy your plane ticket.

Beginners’ guide to Stupidity

The Art of being Stupid, as has been exemplified beyond normal human endeavor by Rahul Gandhi,is still part science and part art. And that makes it all the more difficult to master.

So, I thought that it would be better to come up with a guide to let the normally stupid citizens also realize their stupidity and declare themselves so for we are fast becoming a nation of stupids.

You would agreed with me more once you reach the end of this post.

Do you belong to the group of people who believes that you can even today stick to your stand and still be allowed to lead an honorable life after retirement ? Well , then, welcome to the elite world of stupids for it seems that you have not heard of the story of Justice A.K.Ganguly. Well, for the uninitiated, Justice Ganguly was a lesser known judge of the Supreme Court until he began to handle the 2G case. And the manner with which he conducted the proceedings and the manner in which he delivered a stunning judgment never hear of in Indian judicial history, that cancelled all the 125 licenses awarded to the the telecom companies because of the arbitrary manner of spectrum allotment, irked the powers that be. And by powers, you can safely assume those whose surnames rhyme with ‘Sandhi’, ‘Cebal’, ‘Pambaram’ and the like and companies whose names rhyme with ‘Sodaphone’  and the like.

So what happened later ? After an illustrious and un-blemished career spanning 40 years, Justice Ganguly, after his retirement, suddenly found himself in the company of a female law intern when he was in office and suddenly tried some tricks on her in a hotel room. Did you know that he had the ability to travel back in time ?

And how about the law intern ? She also somehow had the ability to travel back in time and realize that the good old Justice had tried to you-know-what with her some years ago in a hotel room. How did she remember that now, all of a sudden, after his retirement and after the 2G case verdict has been delivered ? Well, please update yourself with ‘Time Travel’ written by ‘Sunil Cebal’. And that would initiate your journey towards stupidity just as the prince-in-waiting a.k.a. the Buddhu was initiated into Harvard for all of three months on a donation made by Win Chadha after which he was shown the door. What do you mean “Who is the Buddhu?”. Ask Wamiya Sandhi. Better read her book ‘From Italy to India – the clandestine journey’ available in all ‘Suttorrochchi Stores’ worldwide. You can order online as well via http://www.bankrupt-india.com.

Ok. you are not used to reading heavy stuff ? Well, then there is this easy way to attain supreme stupidity.

There is this book by ‘Pambaram’ titled ‘Dismantling India – 101’  where the highly erudite author explains in great detail the baby steps one needs to take to defraud banks, open more ATMs than there are people in Sivaganga district, the step by step guide to speaking about economics that is understandable to Participatory Notes Dealers alone etc. And don’t miss the chapter on the ‘Art of winning elections’ where he has explained in great detail about the steps to be followed to win an election even if your votes don’t add-up. That chapter alone would justify the cost of the book.

Before I forget, there is this excellent article by ‘Mani Shankar Iyengar’ on developing ones ability to shout the moment you appear on TV. He explains in detail about the steps to be followed to out-shout everybody including the TV anchor. The way he explains the steps to start shouting even before hearing the topic on which you need to shout, shows his professional expertise in shouting that he has developed and honed in the parliament. A must for everybody who is out there to learn to be stupid.

The guide to becoming stupid is never complete without the recommended reading of ‘The Chindu’, especially the sections that talk about China. Yes it is a fact that 90% of the paper is covered with pro-China articles but I have to caution you about not spending your time on the remaining 10%. And do read the ‘Open Page’. You will encounter some highly erudite articles on ‘Un-masking Modi’ ,’Modulating the Modi-mania’ and several such modified articles. Never mind if you miss these on some days. They would appear daily. Only the author would be different. You won’t miss anything.

Reading ‘The Chindu’ daily for about a month would equip you with skills needed for furthering your stupidity index.and would make you eligible to read the highly intellectual ‘Lakshman Chandra Guha’ series on Modi. And do also remember to pick up his ‘India after Sandhi’., the most eminently un-put-downable book ever to have been written in recent times.

Oh, yes before I forget, let me tell you about ‘The God of Minute Things’ by Jarundati Kai’. You will get to know about the rights of naxallites, why dams are harmful, why nuclear power in India will impact Mar’s orbit and similar such matter. You will also know about why the terrorists have more rights to live than the citizens just by going through the index page of the book. And once you complete this book, you automatically qualify the the primary membership of the Communist Party of China.

If all these fail, please try changing your surname to ‘Sandhi’ or ‘Cebal’.

if that too fails, join the Congress Party.

Beginners' guide to Stupidity

The Art of being Stupid, as has been exemplified beyond normal human endeavor by Rahul Gandhi,is still part science and part art. And that makes it all the more difficult to master.

So, I thought that it would be better to come up with a guide to let the normally stupid citizens also realize their stupidity and declare themselves so for we are fast becoming a nation of stupids.

You would agreed with me more once you reach the end of this post.

Do you belong to the group of people who believes that you can even today stick to your stand and still be allowed to lead an honorable life after retirement ? Well , then, welcome to the elite world of stupids for it seems that you have not heard of the story of Justice A.K.Ganguly. Well, for the uninitiated, Justice Ganguly was a lesser known judge of the Supreme Court until he began to handle the 2G case. And the manner with which he conducted the proceedings and the manner in which he delivered a stunning judgment never hear of in Indian judicial history, that cancelled all the 125 licenses awarded to the the telecom companies because of the arbitrary manner of spectrum allotment, irked the powers that be. And by powers, you can safely assume those whose surnames rhyme with ‘Sandhi’, ‘Cebal’, ‘Pambaram’ and the like and companies whose names rhyme with ‘Sodaphone’  and the like.

So what happened later ? After an illustrious and un-blemished career spanning 40 years, Justice Ganguly, after his retirement, suddenly found himself in the company of a female law intern when he was in office and suddenly tried some tricks on her in a hotel room. Did you know that he had the ability to travel back in time ?

And how about the law intern ? She also somehow had the ability to travel back in time and realize that the good old Justice had tried to you-know-what with her some years ago in a hotel room. How did she remember that now, all of a sudden, after his retirement and after the 2G case verdict has been delivered ? Well, please update yourself with ‘Time Travel’ written by ‘Sunil Cebal’. And that would initiate your journey towards stupidity just as the prince-in-waiting a.k.a. the Buddhu was initiated into Harvard for all of three months on a donation made by Win Chadha after which he was shown the door. What do you mean “Who is the Buddhu?”. Ask Wamiya Sandhi. Better read her book ‘From Italy to India – the clandestine journey’ available in all ‘Suttorrochchi Stores’ worldwide. You can order online as well via http://www.bankrupt-india.com.

Ok. you are not used to reading heavy stuff ? Well, then there is this easy way to attain supreme stupidity.

There is this book by ‘Pambaram’ titled ‘Dismantling India – 101’  where the highly erudite author explains in great detail the baby steps one needs to take to defraud banks, open more ATMs than there are people in Sivaganga district, the step by step guide to speaking about economics that is understandable to Participatory Notes Dealers alone etc. And don’t miss the chapter on the ‘Art of winning elections’ where he has explained in great detail about the steps to be followed to win an election even if your votes don’t add-up. That chapter alone would justify the cost of the book.

Before I forget, there is this excellent article by ‘Mani Shankar Iyengar’ on developing ones ability to shout the moment you appear on TV. He explains in detail about the steps to be followed to out-shout everybody including the TV anchor. The way he explains the steps to start shouting even before hearing the topic on which you need to shout, shows his professional expertise in shouting that he has developed and honed in the parliament. A must for everybody who is out there to learn to be stupid.

The guide to becoming stupid is never complete without the recommended reading of ‘The Chindu’, especially the sections that talk about China. Yes it is a fact that 90% of the paper is covered with pro-China articles but I have to caution you about not spending your time on the remaining 10%. And do read the ‘Open Page’. You will encounter some highly erudite articles on ‘Un-masking Modi’ ,’Modulating the Modi-mania’ and several such modified articles. Never mind if you miss these on some days. They would appear daily. Only the author would be different. You won’t miss anything.

Reading ‘The Chindu’ daily for about a month would equip you with skills needed for furthering your stupidity index.and would make you eligible to read the highly intellectual ‘Lakshman Chandra Guha’ series on Modi. And do also remember to pick up his ‘India after Sandhi’., the most eminently un-put-downable book ever to have been written in recent times.

Oh, yes before I forget, let me tell you about ‘The God of Minute Things’ by Jarundati Kai’. You will get to know about the rights of naxallites, why dams are harmful, why nuclear power in India will impact Mar’s orbit and similar such matter. You will also know about why the terrorists have more rights to live than the citizens just by going through the index page of the book. And once you complete this book, you automatically qualify the the primary membership of the Communist Party of China.

If all these fail, please try changing your surname to ‘Sandhi’ or ‘Cebal’.

if that too fails, join the Congress Party.

On being stupid

Stupidity is that trait that can manifest itself in various different ways on a person who chooses to be stupid. Well, I don’t mean those who have decided to vote for the Congress party of India, but in general. However this does not absolve one of his or her stupidity if he or she has decided to vote for the Congress party this year.

Coming to the point, stupidity can manifest itself even if you have not decided to vote for the Congress party.

Let us look at some examples.

The moment you touch down in Chennai’s Anna International Airport, you begin to believe that auto-wallahs ( auto is the choicest epithet that is used to hail a contraption that runs on three wheels , in some cases just on two, but can carry ‘N’ number of passengers at any given point in time not including the driver of the contraption who would have opted to to squeezed in between the passengers ) have refined, taking into consideration the fact that the local government in the state of Tamil Nadu has recently ‘strictly’ enforced the metering of distances traveled by the contraption. And you could even be called the most stupid if you also believe that the auto-drivers would charge you according to the meter. Well, for a difference, the meters exist. And they exist. That is all. When the auto driver asks you if you need either the auto to run or the meter to run, you have no choice but to opt for the former and allow yourself to be carried by the three wheel wonder that runs on two wheels at any given point in time.

And once you start cranking your head out of the three-wheeled-wonder, you begin to see that large balloons start smiling at you. Yes, large balloons that, on a closer look, appear to have two eyes, nose and a mouth and before long you realize that those are the more than life sized images of the different leaders that fluster in from large flex sheets all lined along the roads. Oh what a sight ? You begin to wonder how each one of the different leaders have come to welcome you back to Chennai ?

But there is a problem. Some of the balloons err.. faces are not that pleasant. They are in various degrees of anger. Some express great anger and resentment from behind a facade of full grown beards while others express their anger from behind upwardly looking handlebar mustaches. And in some cases these leaders are clad in army fatigues making you wonder if they have just returned from a stint in the services. But no luck there.

Travel further down and you encounter a grand-dad, father, son, grand-son, grand-daughter, great-grand-daughter dynastic clan looking down upon you from the differently sized banners, each one appearing to laugh at you. You begin to wonder if they have some trick up their sleeve and are probably waiting in anticipation that you would be getting into some trap willingly. And I have often found out that it does make absolutely no sense to decipher what is written in those banners for they are either a repetition from one banner to another or are some hieroglyphics that need special talent to decipher.

Well, assume that you get past all these and enter into the safe confines of your home in Chennai. Then you are audience to a whole list of extended family including neighbours waiting for you clapping their hands. If you are stupid enough to believe that they are lauding your arrival in Chennai, then I have no reason to converse with you. It is elementary to understand that anybody found clapping his hands either in broad day light or in the pitch of darkness are definitely swatting mosquitoes.

And if you are stupid enough not to recognize the national bird, err.. insect, let the devil possess you. Don’t you know that the local municipal corporations have declared  mosquitoes as the national insect and hence are aiding their breeding by spraying the water bodies with reproductive drugs ? Well, if you don’t know that, then let hell be on you and let you be governed by the Congress for ever.

There is definitely a time in your life when you are in India to visit the electricity offices. There is where you expose your stupidity and actually declare that by paying the bill for the electricity not received. You might ask what is shown in the meter. Don’t you now that the numbers shown in the meters are nothing but the dial in number for the local call-in Television programmes ?

Oh, yes, you certify your stupidity when you hear the parliament debates for, the debaters either shout out each other or shout at each other. Either ways, it doesn’t make any difference. And mind it, you are paying them Rs 3000 Crores every time the parliament in in session by way of allowances for the MPs. Allowances for what ? you might ask. Don’t they need to buy throat soothers once their shouting match is over ?

Now let me conclude for I have to declare my stupidity. Yes, you guessed it right. I am going to watch Rahul speak to an audience of Economists.