I am a progressive, am I not ?

What do you mean I am not progressive ? I am 200 % progressive. I am more progressive than even progression.I don’t consider my forefathers intelligent. I disregard my history as a bunch of lies, consider my literature as kindergarten stuff and generally consider calling anything related to Hinduism retrograde. Yes, I follow my school history book in its true spirit.

I consider Ambedkar  a freedom fighter, speak human rights when anti-socials are punished by law, keep my Tam-Brahm identity under wraps, speak ill of Patel and praise Nehru.

I even start talking in Tamil with a halting accent just to reinforce that I am not a Tam-Brahm. It is fashionable to speak Tamil with English words mixed in 80:20 proportion ( 80- English, 20 -Tamil) All ‘rationalist’ and hence ‘progressive’  TV Channels have presenters from whom you could learn this form of Tamil.

I routinely criticize Jayalalaithaa for what ever she has or has not done, don’t talk about the DMKs’ misfortunes, never speak ill of EVR or Anna Durai, routinely criticize the RSS when water stops flowing in Chennai and never mention Modi in any thing even remotely related to development.

All day long I speak about the gender equality in the erstwhile Soviet Union, speak ill of Obama’s policies as well as that of George Bushs’ and never mention about human rights and China in the same breath. In fact I speak about China and directly jump into Beijing Olympics.

I never lose out an opportunity to criticize the RSS and the VHP once there is a bomb blast triggered by the JeM or LeT. This I do as soon as I come to know about a blast. Even before the police reveal their usual suspects, I jump the gun and criticize the right wing.

I scan through every news paper on the internet to look out for all minor skirmishes that involve a Hindu name. Let us say, there is a traffic incident involving a ‘Ram Singh’. The very name suggests to me that the RSS is behind the traffic incident. Therefore I jump on that and criticize the right wing to have “engineered” this incident so that there be a chance for a communal pogrom. Thus I establish my ‘secular and progressive’ credentials routinely, frequently and as often as I can.

I have even subscribed to ‘The Hindu’ – both its paper edition as well as to its online edition just to reinforce my ‘secular’ credentials. I don’t read the crap in the paper pertaining to religion, arts and carnatic music. ( I suspect some RSS infiltration in the paper’s Arts section. Need to talk to the editor on this ).

I read and re-read the editorials and also ensure that my children recite the editorials by-heart.  Catching them young, you see ! ( My ideological commitment to “progressive” philosophy is also evident from the fact that I have named my elder child Karl and the younger one Marx. )

Karl Marx would have copied the editorials of  ‘The Hindu’ in his “Das Capital” had he been alive today. In fact, I have framed a picture of Arundati Roy and Ram Chandra Guha in my house and never do I leave house without showing an ‘Aarti’ to the dieties. ( Note : The camphor is imported from China. I stick to my principles )

I don’t even try to celebrate Deepavali, Ram Navami, Krishna Jayanthi or any of those ‘irrational’ time-wastes. I rather utilize those times in deciphering the interviews of Namboodiripad, Nayanaar, Yechuri and Karat. My celebrations are Namboodri-astami, Nayanaar-Navami, Yechuri-Jayanthi and Karat-divas.

Don’t get me wrong. I of-course celebrate Christmas , Ramzaan and Budh Poornima. I have the ideological commitment, you see !

Not only do I routinely write letters to the editors of all the major news papers criticizing Mamta Banerjee but also speak ill of her on all possible occasions. But I have to confess that I have a feeling that the communists are still in power in West Bengal. I see the same sequences of incidents happening as used to happen during the times of Jyoti Basu and Buddadeb ( Let Marx pardon me for saying so ! )

I have also published my ‘progressive’ credentials by opposing the death penalty in India ( I don’t speak about similar death penalties in China and Russia. You have my word on that ).

I have often opposed the recent arms deals with the USA to get the C-113 military transport aircrafts. Why do we need them ? Are we not a peace loving nation ? In the same breadth I have welcomed the  Russian deal to acquire MIG fighters. National security is of paramount importance, you see !

Yes, I supported the Kudankulam Reactor. How can I oppose it ? It is done with Russian help. Of course, I continue to oppose the nuclear deal with the US. How can we compromise on our sovereignty ?

Hence I am an indisputable ‘progressive’ and in the name of Stalin and Lenin, I declare so !

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