The Art of Bluffing

“You are perfectly suited to take up any profession that needs talking continuously on everything in general and nothing in particular. I appreciate your skill in hiding your ignorance in so many words that I have forgotten the question that I had asked you” – my professor said to me during a viva-voce examination after a practical demonstration of a circuit I had designed failed miserably.

You might be wondering as to what had prompted the good prof to praise me in so many eloquent words. The reason was simple.

He had asked me what a small signal amplifier was after seeing my practical demonstration of a small signal amplifier in my electronics lab exam. Needless to mention that the device that I had contrived not only did fail miserably to amplify any small signal but also failed to produce a small signal. Hence it followed that only if an electronic signal of a smaller amplitude was produced by a circuit, then it would be natural to expect the amplifier designed by me to amplify it. When the original circuit ( designed by me for sure ) didn’t produce any signal, the current circuit would fail to amplify that. Simple, isn’t it ?

But the prof who was watching from his chair, slowly walked by and asked a question something to the effect as to what a small signal amplifier was and my answer to that elicited the response that you see in the first line of this article.

Well, modern psychologists would classify my answer as ‘bluffing’. But I am sure i said something in around one thousand words that would, in simple terms, translate to ‘A circuit that amplifies a small signal is a small signal amplifier’. Any well meaning student of electronics would have said that. If you want to call that a ‘bluff’ then what can I say about it ?

Only that there are many more such ‘bluffs’ in the current world.

Take for example Kapil Sibal. Today he has discovered that the problem of inflation in India was due to people having two vegetables in their meals. If you don’t want to award the Nobel Prize for Economics for propounding this theory of ‘The Two Vegetable Induced Inflation and its mitigation’, I can only call the Nobel Committee biased. I am fine if the committee chooses to award the Nobel for this ‘Zero Loss Theory’ of Sibal  that he propounded when the 2G scam defrauded the nation of many millions of dollars ( I don’t want to expose my inability to count the number of zeroes when I try to translate the 2G loss into numbers ).

And talking of bluffing, one should definitely consider the Chidambaromics Theory of Underground Storage. If you didn’t get it, let me explain. The coal-gate ( not the tooth paste ) scam in Delhi exposed the corporate government nexus in looting the coal wealth of the nation. When the matter came out, the good professor of Economics Chidambaram ( Finance Minister of India) propounded this theory of Underground Storage. He spake thus : As coal was available underground and had not been mined yet, the contracts awarded , albeit at ridiculous rates, to the favored companies did not amount to a loot as the coal was still being available underground and anybody in their right senses could proceed underground to ascertain the truth of existence of the resource. If you did understand anything out of the above statement, then the Nobel Committee is waiting to award the prize to you.

Coming back to bluffing, I employ the following tactic when I get these pesky calls from telemarketers. And I am effectively able to ward them off. Sample this.

“Hello Sir, Is this Mr.Amaruvi?”

“Correct. Please go ahead”.

“Mr.Amaruvi, I am Neha calling from BCICI Bank. We have a great loan product for you”.

“Excellent Ms.Neha. Please go ahead”.

“Oh Mr.Amaruvi, you seem to be interested. Would you want to go in for a five year term?”

“Actually Ms.Neha, I would want to have a life term kind of relationship”.

“But Sir, the offer is for only five years after which you would need to top-up”.

“Well Ms.Neha, what would I do after five years without you? So please let us have a life term of relationship”.

“But Sir, you seem to have misunderstood. I am talking about a five year duration loan and the interest is..”.

“Neha dear, let us cut it short. Why should we continue talking like this ? Let us meet up soon and start the relationship. Mind it. It is for a life time and my interest would not taper down”.

“Hello Mr.Amaruvi, you have completely misunderstood. I am talking about a five year loan”.

“No Miss.Neha. I have not. I am not prepared to be indebted just for five years. I am prepared to be indebted to you for the entire duration of my life time. Hurry up. Let us meet at the local registrar office first thing in the morning”.

“Mind it Mr.Amaruvi. I am a telemarketer and am dong my job. For a moment, how did you assume that I am available and that I am not married?”

“Excellent Miss. Neha. It is simple. I used the same logic that you used to woo me to take a loan when you didn’t know that i already have every loan including a cyclone”.

And the caller is heard muttering something to the effect of the excreta of  male cattle.

Now you please say if my good Professor was right or not.

Author: Amaruvi's Aphorisms

Banker by day, blogger by night and a reader throughout.

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